Ianjamesmcadam’s Blog

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Balloons floating past the pent hut!

Posted by Ian McAdam on February 2, 2010

There were lots of sirens that night!

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ideology fixation

Posted by Ian McAdam on January 17, 2010

The angel half  lit

is my flagging imagination,

glinting in my eye

with bewildered infatuation

gradations of subtlety

to civil overdrive.

Expunging all in a

fit of regret

resurgence of the memory

I thought I’d reset.

 Super achievement a long

shadow hope,

a thing to lean on

when I cannot cope.

Deepness to the shallow

shore, an inching open

of an old oak door, a

levelling of an uneven floor.

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AUGUST SPEEDING PAST

Posted by Ian McAdam on August 6, 2009

I started smoking again… I’ll try to give up again soon, but at the moment I’m enjoying it too much!  I know how bad it is for me, and I know how much it is costing me… But definitely by the end of this year, I’ll have quit the disgusting habit forever (Let’s wait till January and see if this is the case!).

That’s about all the news for now, just a very quich update.  More poetry will be along soon, as well as a detailed update on my new voluntary job.

Posted in chronological, journal | 2 Comments »

YOUTHFUL OBSESSION

Posted by Ian McAdam on June 21, 2009

Our youth obsessed culture as is increasingly seen everywhere, flies in the face of our ageing western societies.  I think that this trend is sabotaging us as we head into the future, displacing perfectly adequate older people who, day by day, are becoming a larger and larger majority.  Older people are no less productive than younger people, and hold the advantage of life experience, which tempers there expectations.   Youth culture is full of avarice and self interest, and above that, more often copies from the past rather than creating real ‘cutting edge’ trends. Fashion, essentially, id cyclical, and to claim that youth culture is the great inventor of all today’s trends is to ignore the rich depth of our historical culture.

And the process this can bring out in young people — often creating body amorphism and other psychological disorders, adding to the pressure on our celebrity obsessed culture — differentiating between the media and real life can be difficult.  Constantly being bombarded with perfect photo-shopped images puts pressure on us all, leaving older people feeling excluded.  Something in this mad-cap media savvy world needs to give a knee-up to the older, frustrated generation, before we’re all too old.

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The page leers at me…

Posted by Ian McAdam on June 14, 2009

My cross is borne

on slight shoulders

my rectitude forms

dung beetle boulders.

 

In this recycle

shadows at noon

I push down and cycle

the city, my cocoon.

 

My African snakebite

my familial in-fight

my magical starlight

my aversion is my blight.

 

I stand here

with lost fear

and strength

in my Samson locks

free flow strewth

must rhyme like

in books

and poets who were

real, like

i dream to be.

Posted in creative process, poetry | 2 Comments »

JUNE RAIN AND SHINE

Posted by Ian McAdam on June 10, 2009

I find it quite difficult to write this blog when my life by all accounts is actually rather boring at the moment, more a ping bong game between various employment agencies which seem unable to help me get into work again.  I feel a bit trapped in a poverty hole which will not loosen its grip until I find the job I so crave to have, but the less money I have, the harder it is to look neat for interviews, keep my hair trimmed and and buy new trainers!

Oh, it could be so much worse.  At least I have Jon’s support, and live in a country where people with mental health conditions are treated with a modicum of respect, even if the average person is ignorant and judgemental.  Living and working with my health condition, that’s what I want most desperately to do.

I am very much like the weather I mentioned up above.  Up and down, worried intensely by my station in life one minute,  creative and full of energy the next.  So, I’ve reported nothing new here, (Oh, I’m doing well learning Excel), but I though I might as well write something to show that I breathe and exist.

Posted in chronological, journal | 2 Comments »

self conscious poem

Posted by Ian McAdam on May 31, 2009

insecurity
rising
poverty biting
there is no
way out of
it all.
not now
but soon
i’ll find the
way out
into
security.

flow
with
my art my
pain it
starts to
rise upwards
into erogenous
zones
implosions
of self
gratified
bliss.

Posted in creative process, poetry | 2 Comments »

AT THIRTY FIVE, HOW THINGS LOOK

Posted by Ian McAdam on May 22, 2009

The world is in a fine mess, but that can’t take away my focus.  I have to do productive things with my life, and get myself places.

Sure, I haven’t achieved what I hoped I would have by this point in my life, but I’m not letting this defeat me.  I am putting myself on a new career path, which I know will be successful,  in administration, hopefully moving upwards into PR.  I have a job interview set up for next week which I’m preparing hard for (I’ve been brushing up on my spreadsheet skills for a start), and I hope that next week I’ll get more interviews.  I’m going to be selling myself hard, and I fully intend (with luck on my side) to be employed by the end of June.

Eventually I will meet the right employer, and things will click into place.  Then, as part time study, I intend to pursue  my interest in horticulture in September.  This will remain a really passionate hobby until such time as it can become a new career.

Of course, my writing will always remain my true passion, and that has really come along this year, with my writing style offering clarity and accessibility.

So, this is where I stand at the age of 35.  I will get a grip on my bi polarity, and learn, once and for all, how to live and work with it.

Posted in chronological, journal | 2 Comments »

The Motivational mission

Posted by Ian McAdam on May 13, 2009

I need to come off this medication. It is sapping me of all my energy, making me put on weight, giving me dry skin and spots all at the same time. I just hate being the way I am, and if anybody out there could take me back to the days of being a carefree young man, I’d be very grateful. I need a job so bad, but with the economy the way it is…

Posted in chronological, journal | 2 Comments »

EARLY MAY looks sparkly

Posted by Ian McAdam on May 6, 2009

 

Not only because it’s my birthday month, but also because I’m embarking on an artwork which is mostly made of things found forced into a rather manic collage and city scape. It might only be finished by the end of June, but it’s going to be very impressive, in my own inimitable style. See, I don’t just play round with words.  Speaking of words,  I look forward to finally releasing that next section of my novel(WORK IN PROGRESS OR Chemical Equator, or, Goodbye Noughties) on parallellondon and Red Bubble which has a few readers, but wants more. How in the world do I get more people to read my stuff? (Barring torture).

 Here’s an observational poem:

BULLET POINT CULTURE (City Views)

An officeised
bullet point hit me in
the head

then later
dirty window
blurred by
my cheap beer taste
{Dead to a crisp is
last summer}
stiff stoical wind
bends twiggy misgrowth.

“equator” flows from my pen.

late spring attitudes
yellow to orange
light rows
officeised
(London plane moves heavily
with May winds)

outside,
more cantilevers
with a strolling telephonist
casual businessware
mass produced choice
(like honeycomb)
plumb backside on
beige cushion bench
with wide smile

BEFORE I VENTURED
OUTSIDE MYSELF
I WOULDN’T
WRITE THIS STUFF
I’D BE ALL SMELLY
AND SULKY
AND LONELINESS EPITOMIZED

pub games furnish me
another beer, another place
Brown brick
cottage ivy clinging
(aspiring to ivy clad)

Above, vapour trail
blends to stratosphere
and loses me

I’m just not
high enought
bi polar
medication control.

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